I have always had an affinity to songs such as “I Am What I Am” (from La Cage Aux Folles), and “This is Me”(from The Greatest Showman). They fill me up from the inside, grow fire in my heart and at times, bring me to tears. The idea that I can be whatever I want to be, that it’s all down to me, and it doesn’t matter what other people think, is both foundational to my core beliefs and also a contradiction in terms, with regard to my need to people-please and over-adapt to others requirements. It is little wonder that they create such a stir of emotions.
In the past few months of soul-searching, trying to re-find my lost self and determine the origins of my self-abandonment, I rediscovered my great love of music. I wrote recently about losing myself in bad piano playing, but this, this is a different love.
Last weekend, I went to see an old favourite play at Manchester Arena. The band was Tool. For those who don’t know Tool, they’re prog metal, although the band and the type of music does not matter. It’s about connection, acceptance and ownership.
I sat in the arena with thousands of other people, and as I sat, together with them, I was for the first time in a long time, completely and utterly myself. And it was joyous. The volume was so all-comsuming that I felt like I was absorbing every beat to my core, the drums and bass almost changing the rhythym of my heart. My seat vibrating. No one had their phones to hand. Sat in the dark, all eyes to the front, watching the band and their carefully orchestrated light show with focussed intensity. I found myself grinning inanely. My feet could not keep still; my body continously moving to every song, every bar, every beat.
Among us, there was a feeling of shared community. The whole arena moving and responding to the same music at the same time is something to behold. Almost spiritual.
Obviously, I don’t behave this way to every band. Everyone has their favourites; those whose music speaks especially to them. I know for a fact that there are some concerts I’d rather be stood in the corridor talking to the bar staff that listening to the music playing.
Why is this important?
To me, this is one more step in moving away from the people-pleasing, the adaptability, that I have valued so highly over the past decades. It is about truly listening when your heart screams at you “THIS! More of this!”. It’s about choosing the things in life that soar happiness from your feet and create a giant smile on your face, especially when it happens without you realising that is what you’re doing. By recognising the things in life that are so vital to your life, no matter how small or silly they seem, by taking steps towards the “Yes, More Of This!”, you take another step away from self-abandonment.
To that end, I’ve taken the brave step of linking my spotify account to my online dating account. I have already noticed a decline in the number of likes that I am getting. I expect that a wall of metal bands is likely to put off many prospective suiters, but hopefully this will lead to those better suited connecting.
If nothing else, this is about self-ownership and belief. Ownership of myself as a whole and saying to the world, This is Me. In having faith that I am not “too much” and need to be toned down and sanitised. It is about recognising that the only person that I ever have to satisfy and answer to is myself. And I am not too much for me. I am just right. And moving towards “More Of This” will only lead to more happiness.
So this is me, for now, trying something new, or at least, something I’ve not exercised enough for a good while. This ownership of being unabashedly and unequivocally exactly who I am supposed to be, right now.
What makes you smile from your toes upwards?
Could you be doing more of this?
If you’re interested in reading more on self-worth, you may like this from
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Music has the power to move us in so many ways. I loved this take on it, as if the noise blasts away all the layers to reveal what is left - a heart beating.
'It’s about choosing the things in life that soar happiness from your feet and create a giant smile on your face.' - I loved. loved. loved this!